Special MARRIED LIFE POST - 5 things to look for in a Spouse -

I was talking to a friend tonight about marriage and commitment and it really got me thinking. I am going to label this under MARRIED LIFE but it's not your normal Thursday post. This is just a Monday night rambling of what I think we should all look for in a spouse before we marry.. in fact, 5 things.

So here I go..

First, MARRIAGE SHOULD BE A COMMITMENT TO THEM.

Marriage is by far the biggest commitment of all. I can't think of one bigger. Kids are a huge huge commitment but they eventually leave the nest and make their own lives. But your marriage is the biggest of all. You can't marry based a feeling. I love you, and you make me happy is not what will keep it together. Because when those feelings go away, and they will.. the marriage is doomed to fail. You will have days of ups and downs, and you have to know that when you say those vows.. its a HUGE COMMITMENT. So you really want someone who agrees with that.

Next up,

MARRY SOMEONE WHO BRINGS OUT THE BEST IN YOU.

 A lot of cases someone gets married to someone who is in awe of them. Kinda Idol them. Marriage can't be about just one person serving the other. Its suppose to be about both of you growing into the people you are meant to be. If you put your spouse up on a pedestal because you believe the this special someone could be interested in YOU is a recipe for not a good marriage but a lonely one.

FIND SOMEONE WHO HAS SOMEONE WHO HAS SOME MOTIVATION

You know who I am talking about.. The lazy man/woman. This is not the kind of person that anyone wants to be married to. A good job and stable career is not near as important as motivation. A motivated person will always find a way to get things done and provide for their family. ALWAYS. If they are not motivated, they won't seek out the jobs, they won't help around the house, they wont work to get promotions at work.. and the list could go on and on. If she is not motivated the house will look bad, dinners won't be cooked and she expect to be waited on hand and foot.. This will make a marriage really messy.. So find someone with some get up and go.

This is a big one..

MARRY YOUR BEST FRIEND.

This was the case with Scott and I and God knows I should have figured this out before I said I do in my first marriage. You have to marry someone that you can laugh with, talk with, and enjoy spending time with. Marriage needs tons of things to survive but not just what you would think, like sex, infatuation or even love..It needs smiles, laughter, and good times and can only come from a friendship. If you make this friendship with someone that foundation alone, should be enough. Everything else will just fall into place.

Last but not least, TIME..

I personally think you need to spend a lot of time getting to know the person you are wanting to marry. The friendship will come from time, you will see who they really are, and you will know if its something that is worth holding on to for the rest of your life. If you just rush into it.. it can become one of the biggest nightmares ever. If you marry and think those fun feeling little butterfly's to take you through years of life including, kids, elderly parents, job issues, etc. you are in for a very cruel surprise. I remember Dr Phil said you should never marry someone who hasn't seen you with the flu. I thought he was crazy. But now, many years later.. I agree. It's in this time that you really see the person at their lowest. You will get a good idea of what they are like at their worst during flu season!

I know this may all sound like a tall order.. Like hell, marriage isn't worth all that. But it is.. To walk through this life with someone who knows you as well as you know yourself and still wants to be with you is a real blessing. If you do find someone who wants this, then take it and hold on to it as hard as you can. But remember make sure your marriage has strong roots, not something fleeting.. because a marriage is not a fairy tale and those who believe it is.. usually do not have happy endings.

I also think you should live with someone you are planning on marrying before saying I do.. I know some of you guys might blow my email up because of that statement. However, I know some young brides will not.. I think this time gives you more insight to the kind of person you are going to be putting the time in with. I don't think this should last forever but for a while. It really does help!

But those are my thoughts..



 Have anything you would add to the list??

I want to hear it..

kishajaggers@aol.com

K Jaggers

♥

MARRIED LIFE - Strengthening Your Marriage Through Acts Of Kindness -

Since today is Thanksgiving, I thought what a better time than to discuss our topic of the week..

{ Strengthening your marriage through acts of kindness }

I got thinking about this topic when I was kindly referred to as Scott's maid. He giggled when he heard it and said, I have never seen you in a French Maids outfit but I sure wouldn't mind!

Well, like I said that got me thinking..

Lets start by time...

In the early 1800 - 1900's woman was pretty much viewed as property. In 1891 women were finally told and it was put on the law books that if they didn't want to live with a man they didn't have to. Yea.. how kind of them..

Then in the 1950's and 1960's women were home more than ever taking care of their homes and children. It was all about housework, kids, shopping, dinner party's and then it started to change.

By the 1970's Woman's rights were in strong force and the fight for equality began.

Then by the 1980's more woman were in the workforce than ever before.

100 years of changing.

So now, we have a mixture of women who stay at home and who work. There is a constant battle of who works harder.. but it all hard work when you have a family.

But I want to talk about the wives and moms who stay home. But in all honesty this applies to working moms too.

→ What's the problem in doing nice things for each other in a marriage? ←

Does it mean you are a slave or maid? Does it mean you are less valuable than he is because you are home tending to the house and family life while he is working?

The strength of a marriage can and is based off how important the needs of each other are to each other. Does that make sense?? Basically, if your husband thinks his needs are important to you, and you think your needs are important to him then your marriage will not only be stronger but grow too. Needs are not just companionship and sex. They are the every day needs too. Cooking, cleaning, organizing your lives, keeping track of every important date and appointment, laundry, being the head of the house. I know they say the man who works is the head of the house but that's silly. The head of the house is the one home doing all the required work to make every ones lives run as smooth as possible day to day.

My husbands needs are the same as my needs and visa versa.

I don't consider myself his maid in any way. I have to admit on certain days, it has felt that way but in all honesty, I do the things I do because he is at work all day, working long hours, so I can stay home. Doing things for him such as laundry or making his bed or picking up his shoes is a huge way of showing your love and support to your husband. HUGE.

I want you guys who are reading this to really think about it? Are a maid or are you his biggest help?? Just because you stay home does not make you less than him and just because you run around like a mad woman trying to clean and keep things going does not mean your his maid. You are his equal in every way. His job outside the home pays the bills while you job inside the home pays for happiness. I think its up to us to find the charm in chores and house work and stop thinking that we are maids. We are so much more than that.

I think when we do thins to show our appreciation to our husbands life gets much better. I was a huge grump last night.. but I still cooked dinner, I still picked up his mess and I know that he appreciates that. Most of the time, our jobs as spouses is to make each others lives easier.

I want a happy husband.. When the house is clean we both are happy. Its just part of it when you stay at home all the time. Again, this does not make you a maid. Its makes you smart. You have to show your husbands that you appreciate them. Most women don't consider doing their laundry an act of appreciation and that is where you are mistaken. It is.. those husbys and mates do appreciate it. I know they do.

And if you are a working wife, I know its hard on you too. But again, giving acts of kindness ( and I consider housework acts of kindness ) will most certainly strengthen your marriage. It's not just one sided. I think it has to be with both in the relationship but its not always the same. For example, its an act of kindness when husby cleans my car.. and its an act of kindness when husby loads the trash and takes it away.. and its an act of kindness when husby is on the roof hanging Christmas lights..

Its not just for your husband either. Its for you children and everyone else that is in your life. Just cooking dinner for your family is an act of kindness. Finding a lost shoe for your kids is an act of kindness. All of the things you do around the house is an act of kindness for the people who live there.

And the people who call you a maid or make you feel less because you are at home, has no idea what they are talking about. Their marriages probably won't last over 10 minutes. They have no idea what it means to make someone happy. So just keep doing what you are doing and all the others who judge you will sooner or later.. look up to you. I kid not, when their life is a mess and falling apart, you will be buzzing around your house in a cute apron, keeping things nice and tidy all while making that husband that you have been able to hold on to feel loved and appreciated!

What I want every wife and husband who is reading this to think about is..

What acts of kindness are you over looking and what acts of kindness are you giving??

Just like I said in my last Married Life Post,

YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE, SO GIVE BETTER

Think about that on this holiday and focus on something nice for your spouse.

It doesn't matter what others think you are, it matters what HE/SHE thinks you are.

I wish you all a great Thanksgiving and I hope from this post, you start to do more to show you appreciation to your loved ones a little more. I am sure we all could improve in this area!

Start TODAY showing everyone how much you love and appreciate them!

Its the little things that count!

K Jaggers

♥

MARRIED LIFE - What Does It Take To Keep A Marriage Together?? -

My little stalker friend posed a comment to me..about what it takes to keep my marriage together. I told you guys about this already but she said..

All I have to do for Scott is Feed Him, Flatter Him, and F*** Him. 

 That comment got a ton of its own comments on facebook and it also got a lot of laughs in our home. So thanks to that comment, we have our topic for this week.

Now, I know I removed the other Married Life Post because of a stupid comment but I am back at it!!

So lets talk about

MARRIAGE AND HOW TO MAKE IT LAST

All you guys in a relationship or married, what do you think it takes to keep a marriage together?? Do you think its easy merging 2 lives together?? Well, I don't and here are my thoughts on the subject..

Falling in love is not the same as staying in love. It takes a lot of work and dedication to make it last. I think there are tons of elements that make it work.

 First and for most is COMMUNICATION. This is extremely vital in any long term relationship. And this is not just about - you talking -. Its about you listening too. Sometimes you don't have to communicate back with all the answers, just listening helps. Looking each other in the eye with no other distractions is key to making communication work. And remember, talking is great but actions always speak louder than words. You have to speak what you think no matter how good or how bad.This is by far one of the most important elements of keeping your marriage or relationship strong. Talk.. Talk.. Talk.. 

I think ENDURANCE is the next important thing to make a relationship work. Nearly all marriages fail in divorce - the statistics are 1/2 of them fail and with 2nd marriages the rate is just a tiny bit lower - so clearly endurance is not something many of us do. I think we have to stick it out no matter what. Now, I got an email about being divorced and yes. my first marriage failed miserably. I mean we could have been the poster people for what NOT to do. But when I go back and look at what made that marriage go bad, a lot of it was me and a lot of it was him. I don't think people should stay in a marriage if they are being abused or just staying for the kids sake but what I know now is... Marriage can never work if you run away when you are upset. You have to stay and fight it out. All of us take our marriage vows to God and vow to stay no matter what. Leaving should not ever be an option. What I think a lot of people fail to realize is the endurance and weathering through the storms is what gives any relationship the stability to stay together.

Next up.. RESPECT. I think its vital that both the people in the relationship respect each other. When people find mates its the same basic beliefs that brings them together and what helps hold them together. With respect comes TRUST. I have serious trust issues. I have since high school but I respect my husband I think he respects me enough to not take advantage of my trust. I don't think its possible to have respect without trust or visa versa. If you set limits in your relationship about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable this should keep everything in line. Again, if you are with someone who is not respecting you or who you can trust, you are in the wrong relationship. Love is not suppose to hurt.  And if you are already married, you should really try to work on this. Take it from someone who knows..feeling like you can't trust someone, you are going to go around and every thing you do is going to be based off that emotion. Every decision you make, every thought you have, every action will come back to the trust issue. Work through it.. you will save your relationships if you do!

I think another huge part of keeping a marriage together is GIVING EACH OTHER ROOM TO GROW. We all need our own hobbies and friendships to help keep our own identifies. I think we all have to build ourselves first and then focus on others. If we keep our lives mostly together and then have a little of our own time, it will make all the difference in happiness. Scott plays golf. I blog, have the cats and have friends of mine own. As does he. I don't think it best to just hate all your mates friends. I think if they are their friends, you have to try to get along with them. Clearly there is something good about them if your partner is friends with them. When you take time to yourself and grow, it will only make your marriage grow.

Another thing to think about is CONFLICT. How do you fight in your marriage? Is it fair?? Is it name calling?? How you fight will determine a lot about how long your marriage or relationship will last. The main thing I have found in a fight is sticking to the point. If you are fighting over a bill, going off in the direction of his dirty clothes laying on the floor will not help. Stick to what you are upset about. I don't think you should sweat the small stuff either. I think if we all understand that we are on the same side as your mates, the fight would be not near as bad. You are not fighting against your partner. You are fighting with them. Big difference. Its when  you are fighting on different sides is when the problem comes in. I also think you should risk conflict by being more honest than you are comfortable with. It builds intimacy. I mean a prime example of this is a serious talk Scott and I had the other night. Someone came back in our lives without any warning and it was truly upsetting me. I just told him exactly why. It was a brutally honest conversation and while I felt horrible for some of the words coming out of my mouth, he understood why I was upset. You just have to let it flow and say how you really feel. Sugar coating it will not help at all. Even with that said, I think its also very important to be polite and courteous as much as possible. I didn't offend him at all when I was speaking so honest because I did it with careful consideration. You will hear from many people that you should not go to bed mad either. While I agree with that most of the time, there are times when its best to just end it and start fresh the next day. There have been lots of times one of us has gone to bed mad. I have hated it too. But always the next morning, we talk with cool heads and nothing seems as bad as it was the night before. Sometimes a good nights sleep helps everything. And remember, you don't fix things by trying to fix your spouse. Its starts with YOU..

Now lets talk about CONTRIBUTING to your marriage. Marriage takes work as we all know but what do we do to contribute? I think the little things make all the difference. Love notes laying around, kissing when they walk through the door, set time aside for time alone. So many of us are juggling children, jobs, pets, our homes and our marriage usually takes a back seat to those things. Letting that happen can destroy any marriage. You can't just neglect your life together and expect it work out. You get what you give and that means - Give Better -. I don't think you should ever say things like " this is MINE, or My house, or My pets, etc. Its not just about YOU.. Two people said I do.. its now about the two of you. And the word you should be using all the time is OUR. Our house, Our life, Our pets. See the difference??  Just keeping those words straight will not only keep you from unnecessary arguments but will also validate to your spouse that you are not in this alone. Big Big Big Deal. Think before you speak.  Also you should be making life decisions TOGETHER. Scott and I are truly best friends and I want his opinion before I decide something. I love hearing his thoughts. I have had a track record of not making some of the best decisions. Now, I take advantage of having someone to run them by before I do anything. This makes him feel appreciated and important and it makes me feel safe in what I am deciding. Also for a lot of woman, help around the house means everything. We are the ones normally cooking and cleaning but if you are a man and reading this.. contribute with the chores and house. You have no idea how much that actually helps. You don't have to do it perfect, just do it. And watch how much she smiles!

Now lets talk about SEX..Sex is a huge part of any relationship. Letting some one in on our most intimate part of us is simply letting someone into our own private world. If you struggle to find time to be intimate together, you should make the time. A date on the calender is not near as sexy as just spur of the moment but it doesn't matter. You have to meet each others needs. If not, you will have some serious problems coming your way. Focus on giving, not taking. I think one of the most sexiest things for any person to do with someone they are in love with is to be vulnerable. That is not only comforting to have someone you can be that way with its also life changing. Sex is important.. very important. Don't just ignore it. I have those days when the last thing I wanted to do is craw under the sheets with my husband. But you know, its on those days when I basically force myself to do it when it feels the best. Not just physically but mentally. It always feels good to be loved no matter how tired you are.

And the last thing I am going to talk about that keeps a relationship working is LOVE. We all felt it to be in the positions we are in today. Something about the person you are with captured your heart. And years into it, its still there. Sometimes you just have to remember what brought you together. I think saying I Love You on a DAILY BASIS is very very important. We all need to hear it. I don't understand people who don't say it. My grandmother would rather step on her lips than to let those words flow out. I'm serious..she just doesn't say it. I doubt she ever said it in any of her relationships and I think that's sad. If you feel it, say it.. and even on the days you don't really feel happy with your partner that doesn't mean they still don't need to hear you say you love them. I think you should always kiss each other daily. I think you should always hold hands when you can and just be there as a soft spot for them to fall. You are who they picked. You are the one they want. You are the one the fell in love with and You are the one that has to help keep it going. Face it ladies, we are the glue that holds everything together in our lives. While it is a huge responsibility for any and all of us but its well worth it. We are the leaders and we all have to lead with LOVE above all..

So there are my thoughts on keeping a marriage together. Its not so easy to just feed them, flatter them, and sleep with them. I suspect that stalker girl is NOT married because I don't think those words would have ever flowed from her mouth if she was. It take work, endurance, love and even conflict to make it last. You might get it.. but can you keep it??

If you have any thoughts at all on this topic, I want to hear from you. Don't hesitate to email me.

kishajaggers@aol.com

Nothing is off limits with this topic. Nothing.. And remember.. your emails are private to me and I will not share your email addresses or names. I might post what you say but it will be done discretely.

K Jaggers

♥